I have said it before – every divorce journey and story is different. But the fact is, with divorce there is grief, there is sadness, there is pain, there is guilt and there is hate. Today I am reminding you and me – that even with all of these difficult feelings – there can also be happiness.
It’s Okay To Feel Happy!
My Journey Looks Different Than Yours
The journey of divorce looks different for everyone. The reasons and situations that you might be going through and feeling could be the complete opposite of what your best friend went through a few years ago. There is no right or wrong path but the fact is, there will always need to be some sort of healing in the process of divorce. The important thing to remember through this journey is….Everyone’s Path Looks Different.
In 2019 I was faced with a divorce after 16 years of marriage, a divorce that I did not want, a divorce that turned my family into something I never imagined, a divorce that created stress, turmoil, heartache and rejection. The word “happiness” became a trigger. I found myself angry every time I heard anything about “Finding Your Happiness”, let’s be honest, that is a whole other Oprah…I digress.
Being happy, enjoying life, feeling excited, finding things to be thankful for…no matter how you labeled those HAPPY things, for months I felt guilty even thinking in that positive direction. I didn’t want this (divorce) – this isn’t what I signed up for – how can I be okay? How can I ever be okay with feeling happy?
Be Okay With Feeling Happy!
I hate that I miss out on 50% of my kid’s life – I hate that I didn’t get to tuck them into bed on Christmas Eve – I hate that some days I do not talk to another adult (stupid COVID!) – I hate that I walk around my house and still see and feel memories at every corner – I hate that I have lost a whole family.
That hate started creeping into every piece of my life because anytime I caught myself excited for something – an updated bedroom, special moments with my kiddos, a remodeled kitchen or a lake trip with the girls – I stopped myself from feeling it – HAPPINESS!! I think I felt like if I was happy with being single/divorced for a moment that I was giving into the biggest gut hit I had ever received – “I want a divorce”.
I didn’t want a divorce but that doesn’t mean I cannot find some new friends, new hobbies, new memories and feel happy. It’s okay to be happy even in a situation that brings heartache and pain. Be okay with feeling happy.
Count Your Rainbows
I always felt like I would grow old with my children’s father. I truly believed we would grow old in the home we owned. And I still remember talking about how we wanted to retire at a decent age to be able to help Jude and Teagan with childcare just like my parents have in their retirement. Those are the things that I think about when that guilt sneaks up after a fun single mom moment with the kids or after completing a home update. I am happy after spending some quality time with the kids but BOOM – this isn’t what I wanted guilt hits hard!
Time to step back and count those rainbows. Yes, the people/person in my future has changed but that doesn’t mean I cannot enjoy those rainbows. My kids! My friends! My family! My house! My career! My cats! My goals! My health! What are your rainbows? Count them but do not forget those storms either – those storms help us get stronger too.
Sending You A Reminder
No matter where you are on your divorce recovery I am here to tell you – IT IS OKAY TO BE HAPPY! It is okay to enjoy the life in front of you. It is okay to throw that judgement you might get from another person in the trash. Smile but smile for real! Let go of the stigma that you have to stay sad and hurt over something you literally have no control over. I am not telling you to “GET OVER IT!” but instead discover and live in that happy. Just because I was sent divorce papers doesn’t mean I cannot find joy in my life.
I am still a work in progress – I often catch myself feeling that tug of guilt when I start feeling that happiness or excitement for life. I think this will be a long process for me but I am working on it. Talking to another friend about this feeling of guilt over happiness has helped which is why I wanted to share this with you today. Sometimes we need to hear stuff like this from someone else to help us get over that bump in the road.
Another reminder – Never let your happiness depend on anyone else. Only YOU can make yourself happy. Never forget that!
OTHER ARTICLES COVERING DIVORCE THAT MIGHT INTEREST YOU:
WHAT DID YOU LEARN AS YOU MOVED THROUGH YOUR DIVORCE RECOVERY?
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I went through my second divorce that started feb 2019 and final May 2020. Having already been through a divorce, I had some bearings when it came to dealing with the legal end. I never imagined being divorced a second time but at the end of the day it was best for my own health. My ex was emotionally and financially abusive. But while I was in the midst of living life I had no idea that I was in a toxic and abusive marriage. We were both heavily involved in the church and I regret keeping quite about the entire situation. After my son was born, my back problems escalated to the point I ended up laid off. I tried to get a job but my restrictions were too strict and the rehabilitation job placement lady wanted me to lie to a future employer that I could perform all the tasks when I knew I couldn’t. She told me to ask a coworker or someone else to do the tasks I couldn’t. I’m a person of high integrity and I wasn’t going to lie just to take a job. It wasn’t fair to the employer or myself. Plus, what if I got hurt on the job. My ex was on board with the layoff and my health kept slowly getting worse. I didn’t learn until after we separated why I was dealing with the intense problems in my back/hips. So while on unemployment, I started blogging just to keep my mind busy. As my blog grew, I started earning a part-time income and was awaiting a disability determination. Unfortunately, my age and the fact that they didn’t know exactly what was wrong I was denied. Because I was denied, my ex thought I wasn’t disabled even though he never went to drs appointments or cared to understand my intense pain on a daily basis. Instead, he saw me as a lazy mooch. In dec 2015, my ex sold my blog and left me without any income yet he expected me to earn a living. I had back surgery 12-23-15 and my surgery didn’t help and left me with more problems. Then Oct 2016, we had to sale our house bc he got us into a financial bind. After the sale of our home, he refused to move into a reasonable place to rent within budget. Instead, rented a luxury apartment that was more than our house payment. He wanted a divorce in oct 2016 and changed his mind after I asked for my half of the assets. We rented the apartment for 18 months, just as our money ran out and he was able to pay off the debt he should have never done on a single income by cleaning out the bank account. During the 18 months, he badged me to make a certain amount of money a day. I had also gotten very depressed and was miserable. I attempted to even get a part time job even though doing so would have left me useless. So when he said he wanted a divorce, I let him walk out. He wanted it his way or the highway but mama just stayed quiet. Let him do his thing and move out as I sat on the computer getting stuff in order for financial assistance. He took my son when he left so he could try to establish custody but I got my baby back. I felt mean but with the type of person my ex is, for my child’s sake, I didn’t let him see him until there was custody agreement. The week he had my son, I used it to my advantage and got on the phone with legal aid. I did what they told me to do and I drafted my own divorce paperwork. Then after filing, I found a probono lawyer. The divorce part was very hard but as the layers began to peel back, everything I experienced made perfect sense. I did cry for a long time but eventually the happiness started coming back. It is hard to find happiness inside the storm but I just took it day by day to get through it. I’ve been in counseling since July 2016 and I’m surprised she did not tell me based upon things I dealt with that I was with an abuser. I’m still fighting battles as a disabled mom but I refuse to give up.
Sorry for the narrative but I hope when someone reads your post, that it helps someone else. Research shows when a woman becomes disabled at an early age, the divorce rate jumps to 75%. It took me a long time to realize that the entire marriage was built on a lie.
I went through my second divorce that started feb 2019 and final May 2020. Having already been through a divorce, I had some bearings when it came to dealing with the legal end. I never imagined being divorced a second time but at the end of the day it was best for my own health. My ex was emotionally and financially abusive. But while I was in the midst of living life I had no idea that I was in a toxic and abusive marriage. We were both heavily involved in the church and I regret keeping quite about the entire situation. After my son was born, my back problems escalated to the point I ended up laid off. I tried to get a job but my restrictions were too strict and the rehabilitation job placement lady wanted me to lie to a future employer that I could perform all the tasks when I knew I couldn’t. She told me to ask a coworker or someone else to do the tasks I couldn’t. I’m a person of high integrity and I wasn’t going to lie just to take a job. It wasn’t fair to the employer or myself. Plus, what if I got hurt on the job. My ex was on board with the layoff and my health kept slowly getting worse. I didn’t learn until after we separated why I was dealing with the intense problems in my back/hips. So while on unemployment, I started blogging just to keep my mind busy. As my blog grew, I started earning a part-time income and was awaiting a disability determination. Unfortunately, my age and the fact that they didn’t know exactly what was wrong I was denied. Because I was denied, my ex thought I wasn’t disabled even though he never went to drs appointments or cared to understand my intense pain on a daily basis. Instead, he saw me as a lazy mooch. In dec 2015, my ex sold my blog and left me without any income yet he expected me to earn a living. I had back surgery 12-23-15 and my surgery didn’t help and left me with more problems. Then Oct 2016, we had to sale our house bc he got us into a financial bind. After the sale of our home, he refused to move into a reasonable place to rent within budget. Instead, rented a luxury apartment that was more than our house payment. He wanted a divorce in oct 2016 and changed his mind after I asked for my half of the assets. We rented the apartment for 18 months, just as our money ran out and he was able to pay off the debt he should have never done on a single income by cleaning out the bank account. During the 18 months, he badged me to make a certain amount of money a day. I had also gotten very depressed and was miserable. I attempted to even get a part time job even though doing so would have left me useless. So when he said he wanted a divorce, I let him walk out. He wanted it his way or the highway but mama just stayed quiet. Let him do his thing and move out as I sat on the computer getting stuff in order for financial assistance. He took my son when he left so he could try to establish custody but I got my baby back. I felt mean but with the type of person my ex is, for my child’s sake, I didn’t let him see him until there was custody agreement. The week he had my son, I used it to my advantage and got on the phone with legal aid. I did what they told me to do and I drafted my own divorce paperwork. Then after filing, I found a probono lawyer. The divorce part was very hard but as the layers began to peel back, everything I experienced made perfect sense. I did cry for a long time but eventually the happiness started coming back. It is hard to find happiness inside the storm but I just took it day by day to get through it. I’ve been in counseling since July 2016 and I’m surprised she did not tell me based upon things I dealt with that I was with an abuser. I’m still fighting battles as a disabled mom but I refuse to give up.
Sorry for the narrative but I hope when someone reads your post, that it helps someone else. Research shows when a woman becomes disabled at an early age, the divorce rate jumps to 75%. It took me a long time to realize that the entire marriage was built on a lie.